Imagine there is a thing, either living or non-living, that you desire. When you read this there may be something that comes to mind – something that you have previously been thinking about or desiring. What happens when you are told, or perhaps discover on your own, that you cannot have it? The majority of the time you will want it even more than you did before. This growing desire is almost entirely beyond your control. Even if you could come to the realization that you cannot have it, your desire will not wane until you either have it or find something new.
And so it is the case with me now, that I much desire something – specifically someone – whom I cannot have. Building on my blog entry from yesterday, she lingers on in my mind. We did not speak yesterday; it was the first day we have not spoken since we met a little over a week ago. Today I will endeavor to avoid conversation with her as well; I am still trying to tread on a new path in my life and, as I have observed, I cannot take her with me in this journey. However, from the very moment I began to give her the cold shoulder I have found myself questioning the decision and thinking about her even more than before.
It is with greater irony still that she has not pronounced any type of romantic feelings for me, and yet I ponder over the dreaded “what if” of my imagination. Is it the chase, then, that lures me so? Perhaps I want to know if I could have her even if, as it is the case, I should not. Or is it more accurate to say I want a bite of the forbidden fruit? In any case I sit here and wonder as I write this.
I remind myself that the grass always appears greener on the other side. People always desire something the most before they have it, and realize the value of something never more deeply than when it is gone. However, in the middle period of when you have something or someone, it is most often the period in which you take it for granted and seek new thrills and interests. This line of thinking alleviates some of the drive to pursue this lady I secretly fawn over, but I imagine it will be a few nights more before I can move on to better things.