I can’t remember the last time I let loose, the last time I did exactly what I wanted to do without a care in the world or any regard for what other people thought of me. I can’t remember the last time I received a round of applause and acceptance among my male peers, and a roar of laughs and admiration from my female peers. I can’t remember the last time I woke up excited for what was in store that day. I can’t remember the last time I left an impression on someone, or the last time I felt any kind of connection with another person.
I’ve been living in a daze for so long now; I’ve let a new kind of person surface and bury the old me beneath the exterior, trapped and unaware of a way out. I’ve let too much time slip by without accomplishing anything worthwhile, without building the relationships my heart so desperately seeks. I’ve lived ever increasingly in a repetition of days, all blending in together in their monotony, making it nearly impossible to recall specific dates sometimes.
Was it Monday that I got up early to catch the bus but missed it anyway – the same day I ran into an old acquaintance I hadn’t seen in years, who I wouldn’t have come across had I not missed that bus? Was it last Wednesday or Thursday that I spoke to her last – the girl who fit my old lifestyle so perfectly, the same one I’ve been trying to avoid communicating with and yet desiring not any less because of it? Will I remember next week that it was my birthday today and that nothing significant came of it? The day has blended in to nearly every other in terms of its monotonous routine; the only thing setting it apart will be sitting together as a family and celebrating in the evening.
But what am I really celebrating? I haven’t done anything noteworthy. I haven’t been able to say I’ve made my parents proud. I have no women to bring home to show off to my parents, to reassure them I’m not some social outcast or sexually deprived, to prove to my father (in the most basic sexual way) that I am a ‘man’. I have no real prospects coming straight out of my career like I’ve mentioned in one of my first posts, but I am reaching out. I want to start trying. I am starting to try. I need to keep positive and see the good in things. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I didn’t get to where I am overnight. I let myself slip into obscurity over the years and it will take some time to swim back to the surface and settle back into reality. I can do this. It is remarkable how I felt dreadful at the start of writing this post and am now feeling motivated at the end of it; I won’t be faking any smiles at the dinner table tonight.