Recovering From (love-)Sickness

I haven’t made a post here in a while. Just a few days after my birthday I managed to get a sore throat. The following morning it had turned into a full-blown sickness, fever and everything. Naturally I ended up home-ridden for days, missing class and who knows what else. In this time I achieved very little in terms of academic progress or personal skill building. Perhaps the worst of it was not having the strength to exercise, as I love to get a workout in when I can. On second thought the worst definitely has to be the loss of appetite that I had for a few days; I managed to lose 6 pounds over the course of the sickness. Now that I am almost entirely recovered I plan to put that weight back on and then some.

Catching up on school, even if I’m only one week behind, is already a task in and of itself. On top of that I have a career consultation tomorrow as well as various other appointments lined up this weekend. If all of that wasn’t enough, my lovesick heart aches for me to speak to that girl who can’t be any good for me. A part of me doesn’t know why I am still so weak-willed when it comes to her, why I cannot stay away. The other part of me thinks the previous part doesn’t want me to have a love life.

Last week I managed to confess some of my feelings to her, unsure of what her response would be. To my great surprise (honestly, I was surprised) she revealed herself to have mutual feelings. It really lit me up inside to have that conversation with her. The feelings I had bottled up inside, and never truly showed her, were finally coming to light and it led to a positive outcome.

However, fast forward a week now and once again I’m not feeling entirely sure about the whole thing. If it wasn’t enough that she’s still talking to a lot of guys I know, and affectionately so, then there is the issue of truthfulness in her original confession. Having lost most of her friends from the past and made a new life for herself, it’s obvious to me that she does not have a big circle of friends and as such happens to enjoy talking to everyone and meeting new people – mostly guys.

The problem here is that she’s not “one of the guys.” There are girls who people call tomboys, and then there are girls who are really into sports, and then there are girls who are into traditionally masculine activities, etc. She would not fit into any of these categories, she’s fairly ‘girly’, but not to the point of being preppy or a total sweetheart. For these reasons it worries me that she hardly interacts with any other girls, and instead craves so much attention from guys. The part of me that is probably against having a love life tells me that she only became interested in me in the first place because I gave her the most attention out of anyone, and enough time apart will send her on her way into someone else’s arms.

Of course I do not wish to believe that she would be that type of girl, but my mind is setting my guard up, whatever good that’ll do. She’s absolutely gorgeous, and I can’t get her off my mind right now. She has not given me any reason to doubt her personally, but my powers of observation are really testing my confidence and trust in her.

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Self-Expression

I can’t remember the last time I let loose, the last time I did exactly what I wanted to do without a care in the world or any regard for what other people thought of me. I can’t remember the last time I received a round of applause and acceptance among my male peers, and a roar of laughs and admiration from my female peers. I can’t remember the last time I woke up excited for what was in store that day. I can’t remember the last time I left an impression on someone, or the last time I felt any kind of connection with another person.

I’ve been living in a daze for so long now; I’ve let a new kind of person surface and bury the old me beneath the exterior, trapped and unaware of a way out. I’ve let too much time slip by without accomplishing anything worthwhile, without building the relationships my heart so desperately seeks. I’ve lived ever increasingly in a repetition of days, all blending in together in their monotony, making it nearly impossible to recall specific dates sometimes.

Was it Monday that I got up early to catch the bus but missed it anyway – the same day I ran into an old acquaintance I hadn’t seen in years, who I wouldn’t have come across had I not missed that bus? Was it last Wednesday or Thursday that I spoke to her last – the girl who fit my old lifestyle so perfectly, the same one I’ve been trying to avoid communicating with and yet desiring not any less because of it? Will I remember next week that it was my birthday today and that nothing significant came of it? The day has blended in to nearly every other in terms of its monotonous routine; the only thing setting it apart will be sitting together as a family and celebrating in the evening.

But what am I really celebrating? I haven’t done anything noteworthy. I haven’t been able to say I’ve made my parents proud. I have no women to bring home to show off to my parents, to reassure them I’m not some social outcast or sexually deprived, to prove to my father (in the most basic sexual way) that I am a ‘man’. I have no real prospects coming straight out of my career like I’ve mentioned in one of my first posts, but I am reaching out. I want to start trying. I am starting to try. I need to keep positive and see the good in things. Rome wasn’t built in a day. I didn’t get to where I am overnight. I let myself slip into obscurity over the years and it will take some time to swim back to the surface and settle back into reality. I can do this. It is remarkable how I felt dreadful at the start of writing this post and am now feeling motivated at the end of it; I won’t be faking any smiles at the dinner table tonight.

The Pertinent Wanderer

That is the title that I would give myself to best portray who I am to a total stranger. I wander everywhere I go. Where some people live in the moment and others from day to day, I simply live – not in the short term and not in the long term. I wander in the way that I walk, in the way that I explore new places, almost as if I am lost but profoundly enjoy the feeling. I wander in thought so much that I would say I do enough thinking for three people, let alone for any one normal person’s brain. I’ve wandered to every destination in my life while others ran, walked, or moved with some sort of purpose. I’ve wandered to places in my mind that I only dream of going in the real world, and I’ve done it so much that the lines between worlds have become a little blurred; I still know what is real and what I wish to be real for I am not delusional, but I believe my mental wandering has had some very real psychological effects on my being.

I’m the wallflower that has never taken charge of his being. I’m the one who sees everything and knows everything but does not speak, reserving my knowledge and conversation for those select few I can call my friends and invite to my home. I’ve been the social butterfly for most of my life, fluttering between social groups and never really finding a permanent place in any one of them. Many people would say they know of me, but very few would be able to say they know me. There are not many who I have been able to bond with in all of my years thus far. I’m one of those people who break out of their shell pretty late, having had a rather tough cocoon to break out of. I’m the one who feels so out of place in this enormous world, and feels that I am alone in a sea of people who do not understand me.

I’m so different from everyone else, so very unique, or so I like to think. And yet I’ve come to realize in recent years that I am not alone in the way that I feel. As part of what I like to think of my coming out of my shell I begin to acknowledge that every single person is different in their own ways. I begin to think more about how two people can be so perfect for each other and yet have things they will never find out about each other, or interests they will never share, that they do not need to share these interests to get along or understand each other as a whole, that you do not need to understand everything about someone to be their friend or their significant other. I begin to realize that everyone has battles they fight, those within and those of another nature. I like to think that within a year or two the people who once met me will hardly be able to recognize me. I’ve woken up from my inattentive wandering through life by way of dreaming and not taking charge of things, and I refuse to sit and let more time pass me by.

Measure of Success

I was too busy to write anything the last two nights, having spent the entire day Tuesday at school and retiring to my chambers early in the night to prepare for an early awakening the following day, and the entire day Wednesday busy with other things (I may do a separate post for this day later). One thing that I do wish to note about yesterday before getting to the topic of today is that I felt good while thinking about how I am now writing down my thoughts into a blog. I am hoping that further down the line I can look back at some of my older entries and see how far I’ve come. At the same time I haven’t written anything extreme or vulgar yet, not that that was the plan, but that perhaps by the time I actually get to writing an entry my more extreme feelings have been quelled to a degree that does not hinder the quality of my writing; of course I could also be wrong and have no clue about it until re-reading my entry later.

On to the topic of today, a few conversations I have had among my male peers yesterday and today have made me start thinking about what levels of success I have achieved.  Some of my friends are finished with college or university and have already begun their so-called ‘careers’ in their respective fields.  Other friends never went to college or university but have been working full time or focusing on a trade.  Other friends still are pursuing continuing education through med school and the like.  If we are all following the blueprints to a successful career then surely we are all on the same path.

There is a quote, however, by George S. Patton that says “I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.”  There is happiness to be found in pursuing your dreams, and I’ve always been a firm believer that there are no blueprints laid out for us to our own dreams.  We have to construct them and figure it out by ourselves, and that is a large part of what makes the journey so meaningful.  Yet I can’t help to think that in following the blueprints to a respectable career with a decent income I have gone on a less favorable path than some of my friends.

Furthermore the conversations with my peers involved quite a lot of humorous observations on the female sex and our adventures with them, mostly of a sexual nature.  We make jokes about how we’re seniors now and the freshmen always come in each year looking so tempting.  We carry on to say now that we’re older we should probably stay away, lest we should get into some kind of trouble; there are quite a lot of people (I was one) who enter university at the age of 17, aka ‘underage’ if we’re talking about sexual relations.

And yet while they can boast about the scores of women they’ve been with I cannot do the same, for I have not had such levels of success.  And so I can’t help but wonder that some part of your success as a man is measured by your success with women.  I don’t suppose this would be an easy topic to understand for a lady, but the men out there would probably know what I mean.  Next to them I feel very unsuccessful in this regard, and reflecting on it makes me feel jealous of their experiences with women.  In the end they are still my friends, and I harbor no hatred whatsoever towards them, but I can’t help but feel inferior in ways such as this.

Why Do We Want What We Cannot Have?

Imagine there is a thing, either living or non-living, that you desire. When you read this there may be something that comes to mind – something that you have previously been thinking about or desiring. What happens when you are told, or perhaps discover on your own, that you cannot have it? The majority of the time you will want it even more than you did before. This growing desire is almost entirely beyond your control. Even if you could come to the realization that you cannot have it, your desire will not wane until you either have it or find something new.

And so it is the case with me now, that I much desire something – specifically someone – whom I cannot have. Building on my blog entry from yesterday, she lingers on in my mind. We did not speak yesterday; it was the first day we have not spoken since we met a little over a week ago. Today I will endeavor to avoid conversation with her as well; I am still trying to tread on a new path in my life and, as I have observed, I cannot take her with me in this journey. However, from the very moment I began to give her the cold shoulder I have found myself questioning the decision and thinking about her even more than before.

It is with greater irony still that she has not pronounced any type of romantic feelings for me, and yet I ponder over the dreaded “what if” of my imagination. Is it the chase, then, that lures me so? Perhaps I want to know if I could have her even if, as it is the case, I should not. Or is it more accurate to say I want a bite of the forbidden fruit? In any case I sit here and wonder as I write this.

I remind myself that the grass always appears greener on the other side. People always desire something the most before they have it, and realize the value of something never more deeply than when it is gone. However, in the middle period of when you have something or someone, it is most often the period in which you take it for granted and seek new thrills and interests. This line of thinking alleviates some of the drive to pursue this lady I secretly fawn over, but I imagine it will be a few nights more before I can move on to better things.

She’s A Curveball

The East Wind has given rise to many stories and adventures, from The Garden of Paradise to Mary Poppins. The East Wind has been both a promising wind and a mischievous, somewhat darkly and prophetic wind in other cases (such as in The Lord of the Rings).

It may have been this very same wind that blew her into my life last week, for I know not what to make of it all yet. That she came at the precise moment when my entire lifestyle began to shift and change drastically, I can imagine naught but that it is by some greater design. I had just returned to University for another year and was determined to shake off nasty old habits – particularly of staying up late, sleeping too little, neglecting to develop my social skills, and failing to build connections through networking. These were things I was determined to fix and change, and had begun to do so an entire week before that, even.

She blew in with the East Wind and rattled my world. The voice of change I sought so heavily over the summer through great reflection warned me to stay away. This voice within me, much as I am sure any reader or third party would say, told me that I had already made a decision to change and focus on myself, and no other person should have any business in stopping me from doing so. If I stopped for every person who asked for my time, or sparked my interest, I would end up right back where I started. No way, I told myself, I have to stick to the plan.

But how can I? She is perfectly suited to fit the life I used to lead. Why now, when I must change my ways and move forward, does she arrive and tempt me so? Memories are brought fresh into my mind of the days when I dreamed and wondered, when I damn near waited around for someone like this to come into my life. I was so sure it would never happen, and now it finally has.

We’ve spent a lot of time talking and bonding, our shared interests and similar personalities are unlike any connection I’ve made in my entire life – it is definitely one for the record books. I’ve never met anyone like her. I was convinced girls like her didn’t exist. I was so sure that even if I met someone like her there would be something wrong with her – girls don’t enjoy spending an entire day studying, followed by working out, and ending the night with sometimes long gaming sessions or back to back movie marathons, living in a sort of reclusive life.

She’s a curveball, and I have half a mind to strike out right now. I cannot have her, I know I shouldn’t, and yet I so very much want her to be mine.

What Do I Want?

Since it is the first day of the blog, and having a fresh mind to make a note of something, I figured it would be best to write out what it is that I want. I have found myself asking this question ever-increasingly in the past two to three years, mainly as I am coming to an end of my post-secondary education. My degree is not one that gets you a job directly out of school, nor does it prepare you to do one specific job. Career opportunities aside, it is with more and more worry that I approach my date of graduation because I believe I am starting to realize what it is that I really want to do – and it has nothing to do with my degree and my studies.

Have I wasted a lot of time, then? Is usually my next thought. Perhaps I have, for I could have been perfecting my craft and growing into my desire and passion in these past few years. And yet perhaps I haven’t, for I wasn’t even sure what it is that I wanted in these past years, and my experiences and memories made in post-secondary studies have given me many insights and ideas.

I want to write. At least I think I do. Not a blog like this; nor the essays and research papers that I have come to familiarize myself with in University; not even news articles or editorials, really. Creative writing is what I wish to do – to tell stories. Novels, scripts, short stories – these are far more exciting ideas to my mind.

I began reading “Mastery” by Robert Greene a few months ago and it really planted the idea in my head that there was something that I was born for; and I don’t mean in the sense that it really is my destiny, a path that I cannot change, but rather what I can and should do better than anything else I may partake in.

Over the past year or so I had found myself becoming restless and searching for ways to build a larger set of skills in case I should not succeed in the path of my degree – I looked to learning computer programming, new spoken languages, mathematics, things that are in demand or build useful skills to add to a resume. It was a very difficult path that I had set out on, for each of those individual things takes a lot of commitment and I was trying to do them all at once whilst juggling my studies.

Recently I read a very useful thread on Quora where an experienced man made a compelling argument that stood out to me. He said that trying to learn a bunch of useful skills and build up your resume is too safe a plan and is almost certainly destined to fail. He said to think of what you really wish to do and hop on the first train to that destination. Should you never reach the destination, after serious attempts at it consisting of your entire physical and mental efforts, then – and only then – it would be time to board a new train. I had realized that I have never fully committed to the idea of writing, even though I fancied it so very much for quite some time now. This is what I will be trying to attempt, now, after I settle into this new semester and seek a new part-time job to meet my expenses and needs. I will make an effort to drop everything else and focus solely on writing. I have some time yet before I graduate and I hope to know by then whether or not this is the course for me.

So It Begins

Welcome, to my personal and anonymous blog. I don’t much know who I am welcoming however, since it is not my intention to garner a following of any sort; although I would not oppose the possibility of such a thing happening. In any case I will be keeping any personal details (names, places, numbers, etc.) hidden and keep all identity anonymous.

My primary purpose in starting a blog is that I would like to document the happenings in my life, and being that I am prone to losing physical materials and already cramp my hands enough at University, I thought it would be ideal to set one up on the internet. This way I won’t need to lug a journal around everywhere I go, and can post from any place there is an active internet connection (which is pretty much anywhere, in this developed society I live in).

The posts that will be made here are purely my own thoughts, reflections, and I suppose at some points there will be raw emotion – the kind that some people would consider inappropriate, thoughtless, ignorant, and so forth. This is not to say that these kinds of emotions, these thoughts (brought upon mostly by difficult or trying experiences in life) are never felt by anyone, but rather that they are most often left unspoken, lest they should be taken the wrong way. Nonetheless, my discretion here is that these are to be my own personal ramblings and are not done with the intention of offending any single individual or group(s) of people. It may happen to be the case that I come across like a completely different person sometimes.

Welcome, whoever you are, and I hope there is something of gain to you by reading this blog – whether you learn from my mistakes; or get an idea from my future rambles; or simply wish to muse at my character.